Four Mistakes Moms Make at Work

I love my job, and I love working. I also love my family. How do we make it all work when it seems impossible to care for our family AND show up everyday bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for the job? Especially if that job seems to offer no flexibility and has working moms competing with the super-productive childless folks who got a good night’s sleep, how can we cope?

I’ve had the privilege of leading in a job that has given me up-close management experience with hundreds of folks over the last decade. I’m the boss, meaning I create the job descriptions and the structure of the organization. I hire folks, train them, support them, and decide to part ways when things don’t work out. And in that role, I have noticed mistakes moms make at work that are hurting them in the long run.

Here are my four mistakes that moms make at work. If you’re doing these, it’s time to course correct!

Being Silent About Your Life

All of us parents feel the pressure to perform as well as our childless counterparts. It is harder to get the same level of work done when we have little ones at home taking our attention. We can’t always answer the phone at 6pm (and if your kid is like mine, she will straight up make that phone call miserable for everyone involved.)

Sometimes we’re just hanging on by a thread at work, and we don’t want to admit how much harder it is than it used to be.

The reality is, people who are the primary or even secondary caregiver for ANYONE are going to have issues with work. When another part of our daily job is to take care of people, inevitably we will be needed during that 9am-5pm day. People are unpredictable and needy. The doctor appointment, the teenage emotional meltdown, the first period, and hand-foot-and-mouth disease do not wait for the weekend.  

Self-Sacrifice for Personal Honor

Whether it’s practical, as in “I only have one more sick day and I have to save it in case my kid is sick” or it’s heroic as in “I don’t want anyone to know I’m dying over here because I’m a hero for this job,” moms who work sick are making a mistake.

I’m not just saying that you should stay home when you’re sick. I’m saying that self-sacrifice for your job is noble, but it backfires. Inevitably, that toothache you were postponing until Christmas vacation turns into an abscess and now you need to be out for a week. Or the flu turns into pneumonia because you never rested.

Speaking from experience, your boss wants to know what’s going on. Even if you really want to work sick, tell your boss.

Why do this if you’re still going to work? It gives your boss a chance to see your thought process and understand that you’re not feeling great. Especially if your boss doesn’t have kids, s/he should know the challenges you face as a mom at the job.

Plus you were keeping quiet about being sick as some kind of "service" to your job, when really you were making things worse for yourself AND no one knew you were making this sacrifice. Tell you boss that you're not feeling well or you need a root canal or whatever. THEN she can support you to get the healthcare you need. No boss wants you to be out for a full week because you made your flu worse by pushing yourself. Who knows? Maybe she’ll even give you a few extra days of paid time off if she has that kind of discretion.

Giving Up on Getting What You Need

Yes, at the job interview two years ago you were told the hours were 9-5. But now, since you’ve had your baby, picking him up before daycare closes is impossible for you. What should you do, spike your blood pressure every day in a harrowing drive to get to daycare before 5:30, apologize (again) to the angry teacher, or (gasp) pay $10 a minute past 5:30? No. You should ask your boss for an adjusted schedule. 

Does your boss want you to work at your job? Does s/he know you’re killing yourself every day to make it all work? If the answer is first yes and then no, then you’re sacrificing and killing yourself when perhaps you don’t have to.

Ask for what you need.

Share with them your struggle with a few solutions. They will be grateful to know that you’ve been trying to make it work, and they will have preferences about how to handle it that will impact the workplace the least.

If you’re valuable to your job and your boss wants you to continue to work there, it does you no good to sacrifice without letting anyone know. They can’t read your mind, they can’t guess your hardship, and for sure they can’t give you the props you deserve for keeping it all together, superwoman.

Some of this may surprise you, and you might be thinking “my boss does not care about this.” But you might be wrong, and it never hurts to be upfront and assertive about what you need at work. Every boss wants their staff to be productive, if not happy, and most bosses see the connection between the two.

I believe that being clear about what you need as an employee allows the colleagues and supervisors around you to give you the support you need. I’m not suggesting you ask for daily shoulder massages and one day a week off, but clear communication about your needs is something that every supervisor expects that you’re doing already.

If you work at a job you care about, if you want to work hard and make a difference there, then be yourself and ask for what you need.

Acting Like You're the Only Parent

Not only should moms be upfront about what they need at work, but we need to stand up for ourselves at home, too. 

Moms in the workplace shoulder a HUGE amount of the parenting work, even in families where the two partners work an equal number of hours and get paid the same. This doesn’t only include laundry and night feeding. Moms are the ones who pick up from school if a child is injured, are listed as the first emergency contact, stay home from work with a sick child, and attend the school play.

I’d argue that this practice diminishes the work that women do and, in a relationship, prioritizes one person’s career over the other. It’s not fair to moms. I believe that dad should challenge the gender stereotypes at his job to stand up for his family, and if he has to miss work because his child is sick, his boss has to understand that men take responsibility for their family too.

It’s hard enough being the default parent (if that’s you, mom) as well as the general keeper of all things house and home. You pack the lunches, you remember the field trip forms, you spend your Sunday night getting the whole family ready for the week. Those are often our roles because of sexism that we all grew up with and is in our culture. But every woman deserves to participate as fully in her career as her husband, and if our kids’ needs impact that, we should distribute the work as equally as possible.

70% of moms with kids are working, and we make up one-third of the female workforce. We are hugely important to the functioning at our jobs (and the world!), and our needs and ambitions should be honored.

As a boss, I want to know how I can best support my staff to do their work. There are a huge variety of exceptions, supports, and special circumstances I’ve arranged with people at every phase of life. Heck, I once gave a single, childless person a day off to handle the emotional stress of a pet’s medical procedure. So stand up for yourself, honor your own worth and work, and ask for what you need from your colleagues, your boss, and your partner. You deserve it!

More Resources for Working Moms